ROME, ITALY–The Vatican was swept into a panic following the World Faith Council’s bombshell decision to strip Catholicism of it’s ‘religion’ designation in favor of the degrading ‘mythology’. The announcement came after the Dalai Lama called an emergency council meeting on Sunday morning, bringing into question the integrity and legitimacy of Catholicism. The vote was swift and unanimous.

Many believed bad press surrounding abuse and cover-up scandals might signal the demise of Catholicism, but at the end of the day, it was their belief in saints that was the final straw. “Too many powers. They’ve got hundreds of different saints, all with different powers,” said Scientology representative David Miscavige. “Like, some will find my car keys? Some can win you a war? There’s even one to protect you from dysentery! What’s that about? They’ve literally got powers for everything. It’s totally unrealistic. Never in a million years.”

Like Norse, Greek, and Roman mythologies before it, this consensus was not welcomed with open arms. “Bullshit. They sucker-punched me while I presided over Mass. They knew I couldn’t attend an emergency meeting on a Sunday morning. Pussy move,” fumed Pope Francis before outlining a strategy to reclassify churches as museums to maintain tax-exempt status.

The World Faith Council was quick to replace Catholicism with The Office.