CHICAGO, IL–A trade deadline fire sale resulted in the departure of Chicago Cubs’ franchise cornerstones Kris Bryant, Javier Baez, Anthony Rizzo, and Craig Kimbrel, and another player — Jack Marisnick, or Jake, or something along those lines. All memories of their historic 2016 World Series victory carry the feeling of a vague fever dream nowadays.
With a rebuild now officially in the works, many Chicago sports fans have expressed their displeasure with the team’s direction. “What the fuck?” wondered Jakub Kowalski. “Who the fuck am I supposed to watch now? Huh? Those jagoff Bulls?”
Team owner, Tom Ricketts, appeared unconcerned with the overwhelming backlash from fans, indicating positive takeaways from the total reset. “It’s going to be okay. I just want the fans to know that everything is okay. I’m worth more than 2 billion dollars, so it’s not time to panic,” said Ricketts, responding to allegations that team ownership had become cheap.
Ricketts soon pivoted the conversation toward the future, explaining his intention to release all remaining Cubs players into the wild. “I’ve had some long conversations with our GM, Jed Hoyer, and my plan is abundantly clear: release the remaining Cubs. Set them free. Me and Jed, we don’t see eye to eye on this, but my moral compass is unwavering, and I wholeheartedly believe animals should not be kept in captivity.”
By all indications, Ricketts was talking about real cubs — child bears. Or perhaps he was referring to Jake Arrieta in an abstract way.