‘Couldn’t Find HDMI Cables, But The New Glory Hole Works’ Writes Yelp Reviewer, Awarding Two-Star Rating To Defunct RadioShack Location

BUFFALO, NY–Omar Bergman is set to host a movie night with several new friends on Saturday night. Unfortunately, Omar doesn’t have a smart TV or a streaming-compatible console, so his only means of watching films is via his laptop. The only problem? He doesn’t have an HDMI cord to project his computer’s display onto the big screen. So, Omar sought out a RadioShack he’d visited during his childhood. Just the thought of that place transported him back to 2004 when that same RadioShack supplied him with a CD copy of Kanye West’s The College Dropout. He would have been the lamest guy in the office if he didn’t get his hands on that album, so Omar would forever be grateful to RadioShack for helping him out in a pinch.

After driving for fifty minutes, Omar arrived to a sad sight. In his own words, he recounted the visit in a Yelp review: “The RadioShack had no more signage, the lights were off, and the building looked practically abandoned. I entered through the front, and the sliding glass doors didn’t even work. There were no employees in sight either. I thought hard about turning my ass around and leaving this shithole, but I felt guilty considering how the RadioShack had been there for me back in 2004. So, I started looking for an HDMI cable.”

Omar ventured further into the store, but what he found was peculiar. Nothing. The shelves were barren outside of some scattered empty boxes. “No CDs. No Playstation. No headphones. No AAA batteries. No AA batteries. No USB sticks. I was really starting to lose hope in ever finding an HDMI cable,” Omar despondently wrote. How would he ever pull off movie night without the cable?

Then, Omar’s mood shifted when he noticed something toward the back of the store. The dusty checkout desk had a hole in it, and it was perfectly level with his crotch. “It was a glory hole. I’d seen them before on the Internet, but never in person. I looked around to see if anyone was there so I could report it, but there was nobody. So, I put my wiener in it, which is customary. It’s not every day you get that kind of opportunity. Someone or something started sucking. It was good, or at least pretty good. Kinda toothy.”

James spared readers the grittier details of the encounter, but summarized his experience with “I couldn’t find HDMI cables, but the new glory hole works. Don’t come here for AA or AAA batteries, they won’t have it. Their customer service has improved. It’s still better than Circuit City.”