AUSTIN, TX–The American Dream may be taking on a whole new meaning in Texas these days. With an economy still struggling to recover from the COVID-19 pandemic, lone star state lawmakers have developed a creative new solution to get people back on their feet: a bounty on abortions. Combining concepts from 1984 with the idea of ‘my neighbor’s keeper’, the new measure promises to reward citizens with $10,000 for each abortion they tattle on.
“It’s about freedoms,” Texas Governor, and self-“It’s about freedoms,” Texas Governor and self-proclaimed incel Greg Abbot started in defense of the controversial law. His administration has dealt with intense scrutiny since introducing and enacting this new legislation. “Freedom to make a buck doing what’s right. Freedom to know that your gynecologist is not, in fact, a baby murderer. And most of all, it’s the freedom every man has to put a woman in her place and instruct her on what to do with her body, damn it!”
Since ratificSince the law’s ratification, swarms of incels have made plans to relocate to Texas, intending to make their fortune in the abortion-hunting business. “Eureka! It’s a modern-day gold rush out here,” exclaimed Idaho-native incel, Trent Cox, one of the pioneers of this Texas migration. “Women makes me so goddamn mad. I’ve never actually met a woman, but I’ll know one when I see it. Can’t sneak no abortions by me. I plan on being a millionaire in a few months.”
This Sunday, an incel troop is plotting to go abortion-hunting in Austin, Texas’ most liberal and baby-hating city.